Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood (2008)

Inexplicably opening over credits styled after Superman (1978), the bizarre creative decision making in Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood is merely stretching its legs as it prepares to take off at a full sprint.

Firstly, we are led to ask ourselves: who exactly helped C. Thomas Howell bury a body? Nothing else could have possibly indebted him so irrevocably that he’d be forced to star in this movie.

When the characters arrived onscreen, the reviewer was forced to check their audio equipment, as all they heard was the sound of nails on a chalkboard; alas, it turned out to be the dialogue. Delivering ebonics as envisioned by the whitest, edgiest middle schooler in Vermont, the movie manages to have every cast member put on their own minstrel show.

The foley track is abhorrent, either being nonexistent and leaving us in boring silence or suddenly being overwhelming and filled with gunfire or effects unevenly mixed in with the dialogue. The film is so unaware of its sound component that the characters are actually seen whispering over gunfire.

Attempts at humor repeatedly fall flatter than a deaf singer. The movie even tries to score some easy points by cashing in on its zombie identity, but does so through self-aware references to Romero and, well, every zombie movie ever. There is a reason this does not usually happen in these sorts of movies; establishing the in-world threat as in-world fiction complicates the story's stakes.

The good news is that it can be said that production costs were kept within budget by simply removing the editing process altogether. The only other piece of good news is that this movie does eventually end, putting us and C. Thomas Howell out of our respective miseries.

Much like its name and its monsters, the film has no idea what kind of movie it's actually trying to be. Without comedy, character, or concept, Mutant Vampire Zombies from the 'Hood remains a must-miss event.